Potential

i never dreaded parent teacher conferences when i was young, it was always the same; "your not working to your full potential" my mother would reply to my query about what the educators said concerning my education. truth be told, it was done deliberately, (my not working up to my potential)born out of boredom with the confines of the public education i received. i played into the stereotype of my "potential" brand and dropped out of high school when i came of age,i was in two AP classes. i gave into the inner bohemian, took lovers and consumed spirits and found a need to cure the restless boredom i once again faced. i was ready to be taught, to fulfill my potential as i understood it.

my mind undulated under the sheet of academia, i, for a time found my place, my voice and my true passion. there was the added anticipation of the end that made my experience feel often times like forbidden stolen kisses. i graduated and the kisses stopped. i did so with the belief that i would find the same satisfaction, and that i could, intellectually, connect myself to potential. i was seeking lifelong passion on a "professional level". clearly i must have been drinking.

every day i have a parent teacher conversation with myself, and it is a terrifying scenario; am i living up to my potential as a mother. i wonder about equal time and dialogue with atticus and circe, am i providing the proper nurturing and comfort, are they learning the correct processing of emotions, can i process their emotions (i can't even process mine all that well)? i console myself with the understanding that i will "mess them up" somehow and that our parents did the same to us. in them i see limitless potential while reflected back is my limited potential, another wall i have constructed. i don't like being limited, but for now this is my bed and here i will lay.